The Best Bard In The World
by arabellaesque
Summary: A small, silly oneoff ficlet. The party bard finds herself with a tavern full of assorted small folk all in need of entertainment.


**Author's Note: **The wonderful Keto mod was made by Blue, Bons, jcompton, and friends, and is a bard I much prefer over Haer'dalis. This was just something quick that came to mind one evening when I was dared to write a short fic based on the next song to come up on media player's random list... and well, it should be obvious which song it was :)

------------------------

"Come on then bard, tell us yer tale!"

"Aye, we're in need o' a good story!"

Keto eyed the clientele warily. Mainly dwarves, gnomes and a few halflings; it had maybe been a mistake to admit that she was a minstrel quite so freely. Now they were clamouring for her to entertain them. Still, at least she had plenty of tales to tell now that she'd been adventuring with Elrith and her companions. She wasn't exactly short of muse, and at least they were mainly drunk.

The bard cleared her throat, and graced the crowd with her characteristically warm smile. "I think I have just the tale for you!" she proclaimed happily, drawing excited clapping and impatient feet-stamping. Her grin faded slightly as she realised how much attention this had got her. A quick glance to the rest of the group helped steel her nerve however, and she quickly took up a position in the middle of the tavern.

"This is the greatest and best story in the world!" she shouted, playing a quick flurry of melodic notes from her panpipes. More clapping, some excited shouting. One of the nearby dwarves yelled out 'Tribute!' to raucous laughter amongst his kin. Keto just chuckled and continued.

"Not so long ago, me and my friend Elrith, here," Keto pointed to the ranger, and she stood up to take a quick bow to the hollering crowd. "We were creeping along in a long and lonesome dungeon!"

The crowd fell quiet, suddenly paying attention.

"All of a sudden, there shined a shiny wizard... in the middle... of the room!" hissed Keto spectacularly.

The crowd gasped as one.

"And he said!" Keto continued, taking a deep breath, "'_Your bard better play the best song in the world, or I'll keep your soul!_'"

There were some oohs and aahs from the younger looking halflings.

"Well," said Keto, leaning back a little. "Me and Elrith, we looked at each other. And we each said..." The bard paused for tension. "Okay."

One of the patrons to the rear of the tavern let out a mighty roar, and promptly knocked over his friend in excitement. He didn't seem too bothered though, shouting for Keto to continue.

"So I played the first thing that came to my head, and it just so happened to be," said Keto in her most musical voice. "Well, it just so happened to be..."

"GET ON WITH IT!"

Keto frowned at the halfling. "It _happened to be_... The Best Song in all of Faerun." She raised an eyebrow, and nodded knowingly at the confused gnomes.

"Not the Best Song in all of Toril?" asked one gnome with puzzled expression. Keto sighed.

"Okay," she relented, "it was... The Best Song in all of Toril!"

The crowd cheered.

Keto played a small ditty on her panpipes. "I started singing to him... I sang, _'Look into my eyes and it's easy to see, one and one make two, two and one make three_'... it was destiny!" she hummed.

"Huh?" yelled one of the dwarves. "Hey now, we be wantin' entertainment lass, no any o' this countin'! We do enough o' that in the mine!"

"Well, yes, destiny," she said, realising she should keep it simple in order for her audience to keep up.

"Well, you see... once every hundred-thousand years or so, when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow, the grass doth grow... and er... well some evil comes along that needs a good... blow..."

"Har har!" laughed one of the more intoxicated halflings, shortly before he fell from his chair, spilling his drink in the process.

"Anyway, I played my panpipes as furiously as I could," continued Keto, ignoring the outraged yells of the gnomes who'd encountered the spilled pint as it flowed along the table.

"Play it for us!"

"Aye, blow yer pipes fer us! Har har!"

Keto rolled her eyes slightly, but obligingly played a small tune that sounded quite similar to what she usually ended up playing in battle. She stopped abruptly when she noticed a few of the dwarves were standing up to the halflings sitting next to them; asking them, amongst other things, what their problem was. She cleared her throat pointedly, and waited for everyone to settle back down into their more general heckling.

"So, with my music," she continued, "and my companions skills, the battle was ferociously fought!" Keto sauntered over to the group, standing behind each member as she referred to them, causing cheers to erupt from the inebriated crowd.

"Minsc charged in, his sword was slashing - he felt the need to give a bashing! Berserker fury, his rage would bide! Faithful hamster, Boo, by his side!"

"Miniature Giant Space Hamster!"

"That too! Elrith followed him close, right up to the mage, not quite as refined, but she still had a rage! '_Give me back my soul, you torturing fiend! Or feel the sharp point of my sword stabbed into your spleen!_'"

"I did not say that!"

"Close enough! Brave Anomen let out an almighty yell - _'We will avenge those who fell!_' The proud knight's voice carried over the realm, all heard his words as he charged - '_For Helm!_'"

Anomen flushed slightly while Keto's voice lowered as she approached the druid in the group, and the crowd quietened so they could listen intently.

"Jaheira was next, herself a victim - her husband had fallen to the mage's killings. Quietly and calmly she entered the fray. She knew in her heart the wizard would pay."

Muted gasps around the room. Jaheira sat stonily, ignoring the procession around her.

"Standing well back was our gloomy enchanter, not one for merriment or even occasional banter. Xan cast his spells as he proclaimed our doom, sending the mage's minions fleeing from the room!"

Xan's muttering couldn't be heard as the noise level of the crowd slowly climbed back in volume.

"Our stoic ranger, Kivan - an expert with a bow. The others moved to attack, and he wasn't slow - numerous arrows, they flew to their quarry, distracting the mage with a savage foray!"

Kivan shifted uncomfortably as the focus of the patronage turned to him. It was only Elrith's firm grasp of his tunic hem under the table that prevented him from stalking off.

"Flashes and sparks signalled the start, as Nalia began at her mystical art! Fire and ice and all in between, her spells hit home, causing the mage to scream!"

"Well, I don't know..."

"Shh! Last but not least was Imoen, the caught. We found her alone, despairing and fraught. She came through it all with courage and grit. He would fall that day - she would be sure of it."

The crowd settled down into a watchful silence, their eyes firmly on the charismatic bard. She kept smiling, returning to her original position at the front of the patrons.

"Well!" yelled one dwarf eventually.

"Ah, well..." she cooed. "Needless to say, the wizard was stunned! _Whip-crack _went his errant spell, and the mage was done!"

"Oooooh!" chorused the halflings.

"He asked us: '_Be you _all_ godlings?_' And we said, '_Nay! We are but bards!_'"

"Er, Keto... only _you_ are a bard..."

"Shush Imoen!" hissed the bard, turning back to her captivated audience. "And the peculiar thing is this, my friends! The fight we had that night, well, it didn't even kill the mage!"

The crowd stared at the bard.

"Eh?" asked one dwarf, thinking he'd misheard.

"Ye didn't kill 'im?" yelled a halfling.

"By Clangeddin's Axe! You got us this excited and ye didn't even manage to finish the wizard off!"

"Hah! I knew I was right to not get as caught up in it as the rest of you," snorted one of the gnome's who'd previously been hanging onto her every word.

"Well, no, we didn't actually get to kill him the-"

"Yer no a proper bard at all! A proper bard has proper tales of glory and victory!" roared a dwarf.

"Aye, none of this _almost_ killin' stuff!"

"If you'd let me go o-"

"Keep it tae yersel' lass, come back when ye've really got a song worthy of a bard's song," snorted the nearest dwarf as the beared folk shuffled off to mutter amongst themselves.

"No, really!" Keto protested loudly. "If you wait just one sec-"

"Hush now!" exclaimed one of the gnomes as he retreated to one of the darker corners of the establishment. "We don't want to hear anything that's not worthy of a proper minstrel's harp!"

"Well if you'd give me a chance to fi-"

"We've heard enough!" snapped a halfling.

"Right then!" shouted Keto at the top of her lungs, causing the crowd to look at her with amusement. "If you're all so convinced I don't have a proper tale to tell, you won't want to hear more about the Bhaalspawn Elrith!"

The crowd stopped moving, and their amused expressions slowly left.

"Elrith, eh? We didn't think you meant _that_ Elrith..."

"Aye, no offence to ye all, but ye hardly look like the party _I've_ heard about..."

"Well no matter!" exclaimed Keto cheerfully. "Have a good evening everyone!" She raised her bottle to the crowd, bowed gracefully and returned to her companions at their table. Most of them gave her a bemused glance as she sat down, and she beamed, waiting.

As she expected, it wasn't long before the taverns other customers were begging her to continue with her song, and the coin began pouring in...


End file.
